How to talk to your wife

Things I have learned:

When your wife comes back from a prenatal appointment and says that they told her she's actually lost a pound over the last month, the correct response is, apparently, not... "Their scale must be broken!"

Similarly, as I learned about 10 years ago, when you're running late to a movie and your wife wants to take a few minutes to apply makeup, the correct response is, apparently, not... "Don't worry, it'll be dark in the theater, anyway."